Are You Kidding Me?

I'm telling this story for all of the stay-at-home, work-your-fanny-off Moms.

The other night my son was happily playing by himself with his cars while my husband and I each sat reading books. We were all in the same room and intermittently interacted with one another but for the most part we were all just having a relaxing evening passed as we each chose.

My husband looked up at me and asked, "So, is this what you do every day?"

In my head I said, "Excuse me? I think I just hallucinated...what did you ask me?"

Out loud I said, "Excuse me? I think I just hallucinated...what did you ask me?" Yeah, there was no stopping the immediate thought right then. It wasn't my most eloquent moment.

My husband had the sweetest smile on his face and he said once again, "Does he just play like this all day?"

This is where a Vulcan mind-meld would come in handy because the words I could find were so inadequate to the extreme that I just looked at him and said, "Uh...no."

This is the eternal question we find ourselves answering again and again, to our spouses, our friends, our family, our acquaintances, and if any of you are like me, to ourselves.

No I don't just sit on my tail reading all day while my son takes care of himself! That was the first time I've read between the hours of 7:00 AM and 9:00 PM for over two months!

I sit and play cars. I sit and do puzzles. I sit and color. I sit and play blocks. I sit and play legos. I sit and read books...HIS books. I take him to the potty and then sit in the bathroom and read his books again...and again and again. We wash the dishes together and put them away together. We do the laundry together and dust together. We cook together. We learn letters together and sing songs together. There are somewhere in the ballpark of 4,062 things he could do that he loves to do in this house but they are just no fun unless Mommy is doing them too.

This can't just be me, right? You find something your child loves and you feel a moment of intense liberation. "Now I will have at least twenty minutes to do something while he is happily playing!" Then the sweetest voice I know rings out like an alarm clock waking me from a blissfully relaxing dream.

"Mommy, color too...Mommy, paint too...Mommy, cars too...Mommy, uppy-days*...Mommy, moe-knees+...Mommy...snack...etc.,etc.,etc."

There is no going to the bathroom alone or eating alone or sitting alone or standing alone or cooking alone or cleaning alone or relaxing alone. There is Noble and Mommy, a dynamic duo.

There are times when this is frustrating, of course, because I was an individual for 30 years, able to do whatever I chose whenever I chose. However, the reward comes when my husband notices.

"You know, Elise, you're always saying hoe smart Noble is, but he learns everything from you. You're the reason he's learning so much."

You mean he's not teaching himself while I sit on my sofa curled up with a cup of coffee and a book?...huh. Who knew?

* uppy-days - Up (This is his interpretation of "The people on the bus go up and down." He learned them together and still uses the whole phrase for "up."

+moe-knees - "milkies" our family's covert name for nursing

Finding Freedom in the Middle of Nowhere

"Elise, you had a great job that you loved in the greatest city in the world, why did you leave it all behind to move to the best kept secret in Kentucky?" Well, the truth is, sometimes I have no idea.

I had a dream job in Manhattan, doing something I was good at and believed in, working alongside wonderful people. My boss believed in me and encouraged me. He was ready to keep pushing me forward and letting me succeed and I was excited about the future career and opportunities I had with that organization.

The City was perfect for me. I thrived on the energy and the opportunities. I loved that everything I could ever want was available to me. (Ah, how I miss Ethiopian cuisine!) In the midst of this amazing life experience, the elusive dream my husband and I had long desired came true. We had a baby!

At my husband's suggestion (and with my enthusiastic support) we packed up the bags and headed out of NYC. Can you raise a baby in New York? Of course! Could we raise our child(ren) the way we wanted to in New York? Questionable...not impossible but definitely improbable. We left the City behind and moved to a county of 7,000. Goodbye Metropolis, hello Mayberry.

Leaving behind New York City and its infinite promise and possibility, we took a chance on our dreams for our family, and here, in this small town I have found a freedom that New York never could have given me. I have found that some of my dreams really weren't such a big deal after all...nothing makes you feel more important than being the center of your baby's world. No achievement compares to my husband thanking me for taking such good care of him and our baby. That is success...the only success that matters.

New York has a lot to offer and I still miss it all the time, but as far as I'm concerned, Kentucky has a corner on the Freedom market.

Escaping From Prison

Acts 16:25-30
²⁵But at midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the prisoners were listening to them. ²⁶Suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken; and immediately all the doors were opened and everyone's chains were loosed. ²⁷And the keeper of the prison, awaking from sleep and seeing the prison doors open, supposing the prisoners had fled, drew his sword and was about to kill himself. ²⁸But Paul called with a loud voice, saying, "Do yourself no harm, for we are all here." ²⁹Then he called for a light, ran in, and fell down trembling before Paul and Silas. ³⁰And he brought them out and said, "Sirs, what must I do to be saved?""

In the scripture above we read that the chains and walls that imprisoned Paul and Silas were broken when they worshiped God, and this is something I have often heard taught. We ought to praise God under all circumstances and in all places for He is more than able to come to our rescue. However, there is an interesting aside to this story that I have never specifically heard taught.

If the scene above had been written for a Hollywood movie then the chains would have broken, the walls come down, and Paul and Silas would have quickly and quietly snuck away to their smuggled freedom. They would no longer be confined but they would have remained fugitives.

However, Hollywood didn't write the story, God did. In His perfect version, Paul and Silas stayed, despite the opportunity for freedom, and a man and his entire household were saved through their testimony.

What can we learn from this? When I find myself in a prison situation, a season when I feel trapped with no way out. A scenario where I have been falsely accused and/or even convicted of crimes I did not commit. Or, like Paul and Silas, perhaps I am indeed guilty of that which they accuse me, but the action was not wrong. What do I do? Do I sit in my isolation and weep, "Why, God? Why?" Or do I choose to praise Him in the midst of my darkness?

Let's assume for the sake of continuing that I have made the better choice. I have praised God from the depth of my despair and He has heard my cries for help. The doors to my proverbial cell swing open and God whispers, "You are free to leave, my child, but if you choose to stay you will be a part of something amazing."

That is the great challenge. When I have been accused, and imprisoned. When evil people say hateful things against me. When the very deck of my life seems stacked against me God offers me freedom, but asks for my sacrifice. Then the question becomes, "How far will you follow me, My child?" I stand in my cell at the edge of my open door, ready to run when again His voice whispers, "How much of yourself are you willing to give for My sake?"

If I choose to make a run for it, He cannot be angry. After all, it is a freedom He, Himself granted. In fact, many of us would run out the doors glorifying God for His faithfulness. But if I am willing to be still and trust Him, might He use me to accomplish something even more miraculous? What might happen if I am willing to lay my own interests aside and wait for Him, despite my own discomfort?

In the story above, not only was the prison guard saved, along with every member of his household, but Paul and Silas were set free as truly free men, not fugitives who had miraculously broken their bonds. If I will only wait and listen for Him, might God do more for me than tear down a few walls? If I will take a chance based on my confidence in Him, if I will surrender to His will over my own fears and preferences, might He tear down those walls and then use me to begin to rebuild beyond my greatest expectation?

This is a valuable lesson for me, and I believe I am not so very different than anyone else. Too often I seek whatever will bring me comfort and make me happy, but my perception is off. I see such a small corner of the larger picture He is painting. Oh if I will only be content to wait for Him, what might He be able to do in and through me!

Freaked Out Blessedness

I realize that it has been far too long since my last post and I cannot thank enough those people who enjoy my blog enough to contact me and tell me you've missed it. Our beautiful life has been a bit of a multi-tasking circus and I've been the Ring Master trying to juggle all the acts. This brings me to today's inspiration.

While chatting with a friend who is praying about some choices in her life she said she feels a bit "freaked out" by the possible changes. I laughed, knowing well the feeling, and then replied that I live in a perpetual state of "freaked out blessedness."

My son brings so much joy into my life, and into our family. He makes me laugh and he makes my heart flutter. But with all of this joy and energy comes the greatest responsibility I've ever had. That responsibility can seem incredibly daunting. This little life is waiting to be shaped. He is looking to me to teach him, train him, and enable him to succeed. It is a tremendous honor and a heavy burden. But, God promises that His yoke is easy and His burden is light, and He has called me to shape, teach, train, and enable this little man so that can only mean that He will carry me through.

A few months ago I was beginning to pray for and about my family. I was deciding what to pray for and about and as I thought through the various possibilities I realized something quite simple that has revolutionized my thinking. It was simple, and apparently I've been missing it for years.

Why am I so concerned about praying for more children but not too many children? I have a boy now, should I pray for a brother to be his playmate or a sister to "complete" our family. (Isn't that part of the American dream?) It all sounds so ridiculous as I type these words, but this is exactly what I've done throughout my life on any number of subjects. I decide what I believe is best for me and then I pray for God to make it happen.

On the aforementioned night, that changed. If God wills me to have a child every two years for as long as I'm able, probably totalling about eight, then I need to pray that God gives me patience; that He helps me to find and hold on to peace amidst the sometimes chaos that surely would frequent our home; that He enables me to always make my husband my top priority, never neglecting that most important relationship. What is, on the other hand, my son was a singularly wonderful gift from God? If he is the only child that God grants us biologically then I need to pray that I use my time wisely, for surely I will have more of it than the mother He grants many children. I need to pray for contentment with the beautiful child He has already given me. I need to pray that I find my fulfillment in Him, not in my family.

Don't you see? It has nothing to do with what I want or desire or prefer. My prayer has become "God help me to become the woman that I need to be in order to walk out the path that You've laid before me. Help me to be who You've created me to be."

Jesus prayed "I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do." (John 17:4)

Let me live my life able to say the same when my years have ended. Let me not claim that I have done everything I ever wanted to do, or that my plans have succeeded. Let me live my life and finally declare that I have brought God glory on earth by completing the work He gave me to do, by becoming the creation He always intended me to be.

So, there are moments when more children seems perfect, and there are moments when I can hardly manage the one I have. God knows that. He also knows exactly what I am truly capable of.

After almost six years of marriage, I still get butterflies in my stomach when I hear my husband pull into the driveway after being away at work. He still makes my heart pound. For no reason whatsoever, my little boy runs up to me from behind and wraps his arms around me, squeezing me tightly. I am, indeed, blessed to be living this life.

Maybe I'm supposed to be a little freaked out. It keeps my eyes on Him.

Why "Twilight" is So Popular and Why We Should Care

OK, I recently succumbed to my own curiosity and watched "Twilight." While I understand that according to book fans the movie was somewhat disappointing (as nearly all movie adaptations are) it definitely gave me enough of an idea of what the series is about to think deeply about the larger implications of the franchises popularity.

In the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge they define the primary questions in every woman's heart to be one, "Am I lovely," and two, "Am I worth fighting for?"

Recent generations of women have grown up sorely lacking the affirmation that they need from their fathers. Little girls need to be told that they're beautiful when they spin in their princess dresses. They need to know that they are worth the sacrifice of time for their father's to sit down to a tea party with Mr. Bear and Mrs. Snuggles. In the absence of this necessary validation, girls will seek comfort and pleasing words wherever they find them. This is one tragic reason there is so much sexual activity among today's youth.

In the Twilight series you have every girl's dream come true. The hero, Edward, so deeply desires Bella's company that he is willing to torture himself and deny everything in his nature just to be near her. His desire for her is all consuming and, quite literally, ravenous. He risks his comfort, his secrets, and even his life to protect and defend her. And she, being able to do nothing to defend herself, is able to allow him to protect her.

Now let's look at it from his side. In "Wild At Heart" John Eldredge sites the prevailing questions in a man's heart to be "Am I strong enough? Do I have what t takes?" I hate to revisit the old argument of all that is wrong in society, but...we are so messed up! Little boys are not allowed to be tough anymore! They are supposed to be sensitive and gentle, sit quietly and calmly. The very nature of what defines them as boys, different and wonderfully unique from girls, is criticized and called into question by society at large.

"Twilight" presents us with a hero who is fierce and impossibly strong, but in control of his faculties. He is driven to protect the object of his love no matter the danger to himself. This is a man that a boy would desire to emulate.

Now look at the heroine from a man's perspective. Of course she is beautiful but we'll leave that alone. Bella is devoted to Edward, knowing all his flaws and failings she is devoted to him. She knows he is immortal and she longs to, quite literally, send eternity with him. She honors his wishes and respects his strength, and she allows him to protect her. She is not so determined to be independent that she cannot acknowledge when he has saved her. This is a woman that a man longs to rescue, a woman he dreams of fighting for.

There has been a major androgenization of our society. Men are supposed to be more feminine, gentle, sensitive, and tender and women are supposed to be tough, fierce and driven. But these roles that society tells us we should be playing are contrary to our God-given nature. How, then, can we wonder when a story comes along that strikes a chord within us?

When a story comes along to tell a woman that she is lovely, that she is worth fighting for, she will be drawn to that message, for her heart has been crying to hear those words.

When a story comes along to tell a man that he has what it takes. He is strong enough to rescue the princess. When a man hears that he can be the hero, he will listen, for it is the validation for which he has been starving.

We cannot change the very nature God has given us. The popularity of "Twilight" is just a symptom of the great sexual identity crisis our society is facing. Men, it is not only OK to be masculine but it is remarkable, inspiring, and necessary for you to rise up and be men! Women, not only is it all right for you to be feminine, it brings beauty, grace and compassion to the world when you embrace the nature God gave you.

So, men and women of the world...be yourselves!

Flaws, Failings, and Consequences

From Genesis 31-36...

Part 1:

From our past reading we have clearly understood that Jacob is a deceiver and a manipulator. When he met Laban, he finally met his match. So Jacob works diligently for Laban and Laban continues to change his wages and accuse him of treachery, although the Bible indicates that Jacob, in this endeavor, was completely honest and blameless.

Have you ever been in a situation where you truly did nothing wrong but were accused of wrong doing? I have had this happen with personal relationships and also at work. It is a completely helpless feeling because, in general, I live my life believing that if I do my best and try my hardest and live righteously then I will be honored or rewarded. But what if that is not what happens? When I have encountered this situation I felt completely helpless. I felt as if I could not even defend myself because there was nothing to defend. If there is no infraction then what is there to defend, right? What we learn from this story, though, is that even though injustice was being done upon Jacob, God did not fail. Every time Laban changed Jacob's wages, God yielded the flocks to favor Jacob. Laban's every attempt to cheat Jacob led to him losing more and more of his property. Jacob didn't have to do a thing. Neither do we.

All we have to do is obey God and work with excellence as if we are working directly for Him, because after all, aren't we?

Part 2:

Jacob realizes that the only way he is going to get out of this corrupt environment is to sneak away in the middle of the night, so he rounds up his huge family and all his hard-earned property and they flee.

Laban chases after them because Rachel had stolen his household idols, unbeknownst to Jacob. This is what I find incredibly interesting and worth reflection: Laban confronts Jacob about the theft and Jacob doesn't even ask if anyone took the idols! He makes this rash oath that if the idols are found in his company than the person with whom they are found will be put to death.

Don't you find that interesting? This man who lived his life by lies and deceit doesn't even search himself before pronouncing his own innocence. He got so comfortable with God blessing him that he began to feel superior to Laban and above all reproach. Don't we sometimes do the same thing? When we are wronged there is a temptation to take on an attitude of superiority such that we cease even asking ourselves if any fault lies within ourselves.

Unfortunately, Jacob was wrong. Even though Laban did not find the stolen idols that day, Rachel had stolen them, and God heard Jacob's vow. Rachel later died in childbirth and was buried alone in the middle of the wilderness, while the rest of her family moved on. (Jacob would later be buried beside his first wife, Leah).

What if Jacob had asked his company if anyone had taken the idols, instead of making such a brazen vow? What if he had considered that there might be some fault on his side? Might his wife have survived Benjamin's birth? Might she, too, have lived long enough to see her son, Joseph, ruling as Prime Minister of Egypt. In addition, if Jacob had asked if the idols were there and Rachel had come forth, Jacob would have surrendered them to Laban and idolatry could have been cast out of his family once and for all.

We condemn ourselves when we do not take responsibility for our actions. We prevent God from doing the work He longs to do within us. Even when we have been blameless in the past, even if we believe we are blameless now, we should always search our hearts and see if there is any fault within. There almost always will be until we are finally perfected in God's glorious presence.

Trusting an Unfailing God

Genesis 25-30

Well, I am sorry to say this, but have you noticed that thus far in the book of Genesis the example that most of the women have given us is precisely what NOT to do? While Rachel was pregnant with Jacob and Esau God told her what there future would be like. "Two nations are warring within you and the younger will rule the older." In that revelation God didn't say a single thing like, "Now, Rachel, I'm gonna need your help on this one..." Did He? No, of course not.

But, like Sarah before her, and so many of us after her, she took matters into her own hands. In order to help God bring His will to pass Rachel betrayed one of her own sons and deceived her husband. I cannot even begin to imagine the long lasting impact her deception would have on her marriage, and would Esau ever speak to her again? Finally, she loses the one thing she most cared about. She has to send Jacob away to protect his life from the brother she helped, and even persuaded him to betray. She loses everything in her life that mattered in a single act of mistrust.

Reading about how prone to intervention these first women of the Bible were, Eve, Sarah, Rachel (even remember Lot's wife and daughters) it should scream out to us as a warning. GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING! If He has made you a promise, HE WILL BRING IT TO PASS. If He has told you something, HE WILL SEE IT THROUGH.

As we wait and wonder when He will act, let us remember the examples He intentionally left for us. Let us learn from their mistakes and let us not repeat them. Let us learn to trust God, His wisdom and His perfect timing. He always knows what He is doing and nothing ever takes Him by surprise.

This lesson was brought home very personally for me as Owen and I struggled with our few years of infertilty. There was no known reason why we couldn't conceive. This was sometimes an encouragement, it is always better that nothing be wrong, right? Other times it was a great frustration, for if nothing was wrong there was nothing for me to fix, and I find myself to be a great fixer...at least in my mind.

Owen and I had determined long before this struggle that we did not personally beieve in intervening to force conception. This conviction is not for everyone and I could never pass judgment on another couple as they face this incredible difficult choice. I only know what was right for us. For our situation we both believed that our only coioce was to trust God. In His time we believed that we would conceive.

A little over two years into our struggle God allowed me to discover my intolerance to gten. That discovery brought with it not only pregnancy, but the greatest quality of life change I could have imagined. It was not merely God's will for us to have a beautiful baby boy. It was also His will for me to be in perfect health, thriving as I carried and now raise that precious child. Had we intervened and tried to force our will we might have succeeded in creating a life, for God often allows our will to prevail, even when it is contrary to His, as evidenced by the reading which inspires this entry. But, although we might have succeeded in attaining the child we desired, I would continue to be ill, and who is to say that I would have been able to sustain the pregnancy? And though any child is precious, a child created at any other time would not have been this child. He or she would not have been my beautiful Noble boy. And what joy would I now be missing in my life if this sweet boy were not a part of it?

You see, there is so much more to our faith in God's purposes than merely our own life and choices. Whose life might be depending on my faith in God's promises? Whose life might be impacted by my forcing of my own will for my own purposes?

It is not merely for myself that I must trust my God. He is Master, Creator, Lord of all creation. He holds the future in His hands - not merely my future, but all future. I must trust Him. I must believe Him. He has never failed me.