Freaked Out Blessedness

I realize that it has been far too long since my last post and I cannot thank enough those people who enjoy my blog enough to contact me and tell me you've missed it. Our beautiful life has been a bit of a multi-tasking circus and I've been the Ring Master trying to juggle all the acts. This brings me to today's inspiration.

While chatting with a friend who is praying about some choices in her life she said she feels a bit "freaked out" by the possible changes. I laughed, knowing well the feeling, and then replied that I live in a perpetual state of "freaked out blessedness."

My son brings so much joy into my life, and into our family. He makes me laugh and he makes my heart flutter. But with all of this joy and energy comes the greatest responsibility I've ever had. That responsibility can seem incredibly daunting. This little life is waiting to be shaped. He is looking to me to teach him, train him, and enable him to succeed. It is a tremendous honor and a heavy burden. But, God promises that His yoke is easy and His burden is light, and He has called me to shape, teach, train, and enable this little man so that can only mean that He will carry me through.

A few months ago I was beginning to pray for and about my family. I was deciding what to pray for and about and as I thought through the various possibilities I realized something quite simple that has revolutionized my thinking. It was simple, and apparently I've been missing it for years.

Why am I so concerned about praying for more children but not too many children? I have a boy now, should I pray for a brother to be his playmate or a sister to "complete" our family. (Isn't that part of the American dream?) It all sounds so ridiculous as I type these words, but this is exactly what I've done throughout my life on any number of subjects. I decide what I believe is best for me and then I pray for God to make it happen.

On the aforementioned night, that changed. If God wills me to have a child every two years for as long as I'm able, probably totalling about eight, then I need to pray that God gives me patience; that He helps me to find and hold on to peace amidst the sometimes chaos that surely would frequent our home; that He enables me to always make my husband my top priority, never neglecting that most important relationship. What is, on the other hand, my son was a singularly wonderful gift from God? If he is the only child that God grants us biologically then I need to pray that I use my time wisely, for surely I will have more of it than the mother He grants many children. I need to pray for contentment with the beautiful child He has already given me. I need to pray that I find my fulfillment in Him, not in my family.

Don't you see? It has nothing to do with what I want or desire or prefer. My prayer has become "God help me to become the woman that I need to be in order to walk out the path that You've laid before me. Help me to be who You've created me to be."

Jesus prayed "I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do." (John 17:4)

Let me live my life able to say the same when my years have ended. Let me not claim that I have done everything I ever wanted to do, or that my plans have succeeded. Let me live my life and finally declare that I have brought God glory on earth by completing the work He gave me to do, by becoming the creation He always intended me to be.

So, there are moments when more children seems perfect, and there are moments when I can hardly manage the one I have. God knows that. He also knows exactly what I am truly capable of.

After almost six years of marriage, I still get butterflies in my stomach when I hear my husband pull into the driveway after being away at work. He still makes my heart pound. For no reason whatsoever, my little boy runs up to me from behind and wraps his arms around me, squeezing me tightly. I am, indeed, blessed to be living this life.

Maybe I'm supposed to be a little freaked out. It keeps my eyes on Him.