Losing Myself and Finding the New Me

I was talking last night with a friend whose family is much larger than mine. I was sharing with her some of my current struggles as a still relatively new Mom.

When put into perspective, a new mother loses a lot. There is no doubt that anything lost is more than made up for by the addition of the wonderful new person in your life, but I believe every loss should be recognized and grieved, even if only momentarily.

We went on a family road trip in March and explored the Grand Canyon. Before Noble was born Owen and I would have hiked down to the bottom and camped out for a night then hiked our way back up. With Noble in our family I carried a 22 lb. pack on my back, front or side all across the expanse of the south rim. It was fun to hear his "ooh's" and "aah's" and see him smile and clap at nature's beauty, but it was certainly quite a difference experience this year than it would have been two years ago. Let's go back a bit.

Pregnancy was amazing and I sincerely look forward to experiencing it again, but the farther the pregnancy progressed, the bigger Noble grew, the more I began to feel that my body was no longer my own. I think this is God's way of easing us into the shock of motherhood gently.

Then the blessed event occurred. Out into the world emerged my beautiful baby boy and from that moment on I discovered that my body truly was not my own. I did not even know this saggy, post-pregnancy body. To whom did it belong and how did I get stuck inside it? Then, when he was just about two months old my husband and I sat down to figure out how much time I spent nursing. Can you guess? In a one week period with a two month old baby I spent up to 37 hours a week nursing. That is a full time job in any country! No wonder I felt that I was no longer my own!

Of course, those days pass swiftly and now I have a 14 month old toddler who runs from morning until night. He requires much care but entertains himself just enough for me to have a few minutes to ask myself a few questions.

I sat down one day and realized that since he was born I have given up a job that I loved, a career that I loved and excelled in, a city that I loved, and with it good friends. I have not been away from my baby for longer than three hours since his birth over 14 months ago. I have done nothing alone with girlfriends in that time and I have not gone on a single date alone with my husband without our son along for the adventure. (Before you feel sorry for me know that this coming week our big first date is panned! Yes!!) That is a lot to give up in a short time.

Please understand, I am not complaining about any of these changes. Everyone of them was a deliberate choice and I would choose the very same today as I chose a year and a half ago. But when I sat down and acknowledged these differences I suddenly understood why I have often felt so lost over the last year. I am not the same girl who brought that baby into the world. I'm a grown up now! Of course my life is going to change. And change isn't always a bad thing, is it?

In John 15:3 Jesus says, "Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." How much more is it my honor to lay down my life for my family? Jesus also said that he who loses his life will find it.

It is true that I have lost something by becoming a mother. I have lost independence and self-indulgence. I have lost spontaneity and flexibility. But I have gained infinite love for my child and my husband. I have gained confidence and boldness as a woman. I have gained respect and admiration for every other woman around me.

Yes, I had to say goodbye to my footloose pre-baby self. And it's going to take me a little bit of time to get to know the new woman I'm becoming, but I think she is well worth knowing and I'm so glad that my baby gave me the chance to find out all I could become.